A Good Article By Margot Carmichael Lester For Those with Broken Hearts
Learning to love againBy Margot Carmichael LesterYou never thought you’d have to date again, but here you are living life after divorce or the death of your partner. While you don’t want to be alone forever, you’re having a hard time believing you’ll be able to get past your loss so you can love again. And who can blame you? Yet despite the complex emotions that surround starting over, you can learn to love again. It just takes time and a little effort on your part.
Our team of experts identified common problems newly single people face and offered solutions to help you get back on the road to romance. Problem: Living in the past. “Don’t sabotage your present and future by fixating on the past,” says Paul Davis, author of the upcoming book, Breakthrough for a Broken Heart. “Stop looking for closure concerning unresolved matters and instead simply let them be. Make a decision for your present and live victoriously.” Solution: Replace anxiety with creativity. “Get back in the sandbox of life and start playing around with new ideas and concepts,” Davis says. “Challenge yourself.” Break out of your rut by doing new things, learning new sports, participating in new activities, taking up new hobbies and making new friends through bereavement and post-divorce support groups or your existing social network. “Let newness flood your life and awaken your love for self and surprises,” advises Davis. “As you do, you will attract new life and love to you.” Problem: Rushing into dating. Some newly-single people don’t like being alone, so they rush into relationships before they’re ready. Or before they’re clear on what they want and need. “Although some people can date their way through this, the vast majority of us need to take time for ourselves,” says relationship expert Hu Fleming. Solution: Look within yourself. “Focus on ‘me’ for a bit before considering ‘we’ again. When we’re comfortable with ourselves and who and what we are, we’re then again ready for the big bad dating world,” Fleming says. “In practical terms, spend time alone, spend time with friends. Do not date until you’re comfortable with yourself.” Don’t force yourself to date just because friends and family nag you to get back out there. Problem: Pressuring yourself and your dates. “Culturally, a successful relationship is one that ends with marriage or a commitment of some sort,” says Kiki Weingarten, co-founder of Daily Life Consulting. But that can create a lot of pressure to succeed, which can cause you to fail. Dating is a numbers game, and not every date can lead to a long-term relationship. Solution: Cut yourself — and your dates — some slack. “Enjoy the other person and enjoy who you are with the other person,” Weingarten notes. “If you don’t end up with that person, what new things did your time together bring to your life? What facet of yourself was discovered? What new future did you anticipate that you never had before?” You can use unsuccessful dates to help refine your viewpoint of what you definitely want to find in future dates, too. Problem: Looking for what you had. “Often, as humans, we want what is familiar,” says Douglas Weiss, executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and host of the TBN show Winning@Marriage. “To love again means you will be loved differently—and you will actually love differently. To compare two loves is like comparing two cities or countries. Although there may be some similarities, there will always be something amazingly different.” Solution: Write a closing chapter about the past relationship, suggests Weiss. Write down what happened, how you felt, and what you learned. “Then write a hopeful chapter of what a new love could bring to your life. Again, talk to friends so that they can tell you if you’re doing comparison-shopping” versus taking a fresh and open look at the possibilities for future love. Moving on is hard. But following these steps will help you honor the good memories and lessons from your previous relationship—and move past what was difficult. Then you can start putting your past in perspective and begin thinking about the next exciting chapter in your romantic life. North Carolina-based freelancer Margot Carmichael Lester also writes for Go magazine and monster.com.
Our team of experts identified common problems newly single people face and offered solutions to help you get back on the road to romance. Problem: Living in the past. “Don’t sabotage your present and future by fixating on the past,” says Paul Davis, author of the upcoming book, Breakthrough for a Broken Heart. “Stop looking for closure concerning unresolved matters and instead simply let them be. Make a decision for your present and live victoriously.” Solution: Replace anxiety with creativity. “Get back in the sandbox of life and start playing around with new ideas and concepts,” Davis says. “Challenge yourself.” Break out of your rut by doing new things, learning new sports, participating in new activities, taking up new hobbies and making new friends through bereavement and post-divorce support groups or your existing social network. “Let newness flood your life and awaken your love for self and surprises,” advises Davis. “As you do, you will attract new life and love to you.” Problem: Rushing into dating. Some newly-single people don’t like being alone, so they rush into relationships before they’re ready. Or before they’re clear on what they want and need. “Although some people can date their way through this, the vast majority of us need to take time for ourselves,” says relationship expert Hu Fleming. Solution: Look within yourself. “Focus on ‘me’ for a bit before considering ‘we’ again. When we’re comfortable with ourselves and who and what we are, we’re then again ready for the big bad dating world,” Fleming says. “In practical terms, spend time alone, spend time with friends. Do not date until you’re comfortable with yourself.” Don’t force yourself to date just because friends and family nag you to get back out there. Problem: Pressuring yourself and your dates. “Culturally, a successful relationship is one that ends with marriage or a commitment of some sort,” says Kiki Weingarten, co-founder of Daily Life Consulting. But that can create a lot of pressure to succeed, which can cause you to fail. Dating is a numbers game, and not every date can lead to a long-term relationship. Solution: Cut yourself — and your dates — some slack. “Enjoy the other person and enjoy who you are with the other person,” Weingarten notes. “If you don’t end up with that person, what new things did your time together bring to your life? What facet of yourself was discovered? What new future did you anticipate that you never had before?” You can use unsuccessful dates to help refine your viewpoint of what you definitely want to find in future dates, too. Problem: Looking for what you had. “Often, as humans, we want what is familiar,” says Douglas Weiss, executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and host of the TBN show Winning@Marriage. “To love again means you will be loved differently—and you will actually love differently. To compare two loves is like comparing two cities or countries. Although there may be some similarities, there will always be something amazingly different.” Solution: Write a closing chapter about the past relationship, suggests Weiss. Write down what happened, how you felt, and what you learned. “Then write a hopeful chapter of what a new love could bring to your life. Again, talk to friends so that they can tell you if you’re doing comparison-shopping” versus taking a fresh and open look at the possibilities for future love. Moving on is hard. But following these steps will help you honor the good memories and lessons from your previous relationship—and move past what was difficult. Then you can start putting your past in perspective and begin thinking about the next exciting chapter in your romantic life. North Carolina-based freelancer Margot Carmichael Lester also writes for Go magazine and monster.com.
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